Let me get it out the way: my resolution is to accept my down to Earth characteristics through appearance. Now, let me explain.
Any one can vouch for me when I say I am, in fact, down to earth. That’s a given that needs no further words. The issue that I battle with myself is that I’ve never came to terms with showing my down to Earth personality through my appearance. Anyone who knows me knows that I love to dress up; whether it’s at a bar, a picnic, or a slumber party. Lol.
There are a lot of reasons for me to feel the need to always dress my utmost best. It may be because I was made of fun of for not having “cool” clothes when I was growing up, or because I was made fun of for wearing the same few pairs of jeans in a 3 day rotation, or because I never found myself to be attractive, so I used my clothes as a way for me too feel good about my looks, or because my college is the breeding grounds for judgement and gossip (I’m talking about the Black community), so I always want to make sure I’m on my A-game. Who knows.
Like I’ve stated before, this Summer was really a crucial point of my life because I learned A LOT about myself. And, removing the incessant need to always have a “beat face” or the best clothes is something I’m proud to say I have adapted. I first noticed how terrible my need for physical perfection was when I would sit on the A train, headed into NYC and see people look at me. They wouldn’t look at me in any particular way, but as there’s not much else to look at in a subway car in a dark tunnel, so naturally, you look at the people around you. Every time I caught eyes looking my way, I would shout to them in my head, “I’m actually not this ugly, I just didn’t have time to put on makeup and straighten my hair today” or “Business clothes don’t flatter my figure but I swear I can look better than this”. Pathetic right? I know better than to think that way. But, I guess my safety blanket of looking good was something I never really let go of. Until now.
Now please understand, I am not boasting about my looks. Instead, I am explaining how I was so insecure about my looks, I shielded it with makeup and clothing. And I don’t mean to call myself ugly, because I know that I am not. But, there are so many beautiful women I see everywhere, that I always feel like I need to do more to try to appear just as beautiful as them.
My challenge/resolution for myself is to stop comparing myself to others and to embrace myself as a whole and also embrace the fact that I am only in competition with myself. And I’m not going to care what others think. I’m not going to be insecure of the fact that my hair gets kinky after 10 weeks of not having a relaxer (it’s actually healthier to do that). I’m not going to feel ugly anymore for not putting on makeup for class (of all places -__-) and I’m not going to feel the need to dress up in heels everyday just to go to a college bar. Who am I kidding, I probably will; I love heels!
I’m just going to let my hair down, because that’s my prerogative and if I am judged for it, so be it! It’s me. Accept it or leave it.